Wrestling

Last week I took an intensive course. Asbury has a January term every year and it's a great opportunity to pick up some credit hours before school commences again in February. This January I took United Methodist Doctrine and Polity. Sounds really exciting, right? That's what I thought, too. However, it turned out to be a really great class, partly due to my professors and partly due to yes, the Doctrine and Polity that we studied. I honestly thought the class was going to be extremely dry, torturous even. However, it really was the opposite of that. The only torturous part was sitting in a chair from 8:00 - 5:00 for a week straight and staring right into my computer screen. Other than that, though, I found that (to me at least) Doctrine is really beautiful thing.
One of my assignments for the class is to answer nine questions from the United Methodist Book of Discipline about what I believe to be true. These questions will be used one day when I go before the big and scary board of ordained ministry in hopes of being ordained as a deacon in the UMC. The questions range from "What is your understanding of evil, as it exists in the world?" to "How do you plan to teach, affirm and apply United Methodist Doctrine in the area of ministry to which you have been called?" One thing that I've discovered about this assignment is that it is not easy. I don't know if I was expecting it to be so. But, you all know me. I'm a writer. Writing is my thing; it's easy for me to do; I love it. It brings joy to my heart. However, yesterday, writing my answers to these questions was not easy and it certainly was not fun. It was making me mad, actually. I was stuck in my own writer's block -- 100% stuck, woven in, tangled up in my own mind. My writing, or lack thereof came to a halt. I ended up taking a break and then went back to press through and answer the first two questions of my assignment. Then, I quit. Later that evening, I sat in bed screaming, in my head, "God, PLEASE help me write what I believe about you." I went to bed exhausted, defeated, begging and pleading with God that today might be a better writing day. Ha. Alright, that last sentence was a little dramatic. But I really did feel a bit defeated. I've written credo after credo about what I believe about God, but somehow these ordination questions became very difficult for me to articulate.
They say joy comes in the morning so this morning I woke up with a spring in my step, ready to prance five feet to my couch in order to answer more questions. I said a little prayer and then I began writing, answering question after question. Today was an easier writing day; by the grace of God I began to think I might actually believe a thing or two about the Almighty. Ha.
Really, though, how important it is to wrestle with raw thoughts about what we believe. I am thankful for yesterday because it led to me to today. That thinking and wrestling was not in vain! The further I press into this assignment, the more I realize how everyone should have to answer these questions, not on account of mere torture, but because we are transformed when we are forced to articulate what we believe. We are able to know the difference between something that's orthodox and something that's heretical. We are able to articulate exactly why Jesus had to come and die, what that even means to us today and why it should even matter. Someday (Lord willing) I will teach others the beliefs of the faith. My wrestling is not only to my benefit, but to theirs, too. What a privilege it is to wrestle because wrestling leads to articulation and articulation helps us to worship right; it helps us worship more fully and grow into who we are meant to be. Perhaps wrestling is a true and pure form of discipleship. So, today, I encourage you to wrestle and to take heart in tomorrow; because tomorrow will bring a new light, a new articulation. I take hope in this: surely we reap from wrestling.

Well, that's precisely how I felt yesterday.